What I hate about living in Heartland England is how there's no real culture or opportunities to do anything. I read about all these artists and musicians in America who just got out, travelled, made something for themselves and didn't rely on everything that was handed to them. Here it seems like if you anything other than school, uni and work then you're totally crazy. Give me culture, some inspiration, some sights to keep me in awe.
basically, I wanna travel and make some music about it.
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
Sunday, 20 January 2008
to do list...
preferably before I go north on thursday;
write:
British Sea Power - Do You Like Rock Music? review
Don't Look Back series; Godspeed You! Black Emperor! - f# a# oo
Explosions in the Sky - The Truth
Interpol - Antics
Fucked Up - Hidden World
send:
proof of results to leeds met.
more...
And then when I get back;
Spy Versus Spy review for NARC Magazine
British Sea Power interview (maybe)
write:
British Sea Power - Do You Like Rock Music? review
Don't Look Back series; Godspeed You! Black Emperor! - f# a# oo
Explosions in the Sky - The Truth
Interpol - Antics
Fucked Up - Hidden World
send:
proof of results to leeds met.
more...
And then when I get back;
Spy Versus Spy review for NARC Magazine
British Sea Power interview (maybe)
Thursday, 17 January 2008
Short Stories
Introduction: I read something recently about how Set Fire to Flames (Godspeed's second incarnation) recorded their first album in the most tense of situations; they shut themselves off from the world with little food and light for about a week until they had a record.
This is essentially how I feel right now. Thus, please excuse any mistakes. Also, I don't hate people this much. Really.
He walks into town without much intention other than to get out of the house. He puts some music on his ipod to set the mood; a winter sunset and he's shutting himself off from the world as he often does every few days, just watching things go by as he walks. The music isn't depressing but it's hardly the most upbeat thing ever either. He doesn't really do depression any more. There have been times in the past when he's been very low, either because of other people or because he can't keep a lid on his, at times explosive mind. He'd think about the worst things he could think about for no real reason; death, people hating him, people hating each other, stuff like that. But since he met her depression was kinda replaced by a more 'hopeful awareness', as he put it.
He walked slowly, emphasising his lack of need to be anywhere in particular, his neck turned to the left as the sun shone on its final crusade of the day, glowing pinks, yellows, blues. As he turned his neck to the right, the sky was a dull blue/grey and darkening by the second, while he walked. Constantly walked.
His mind wondered a bit. The other day he accidentally broke a chair at some girls house. When she said he'll have to pay, he said "life's a bit short for such meaningless material worth don't you think?" he thought he said it, anyway. He walked past the great Roman Catholic cathedral and over the bridge. In this light, looking at all the houses in the distance, he could have mistaken it for a place with some real scale and character, but then he just reminded himself he was at home and thought better of it. His "home town-spirit" had died some time ago, but always found it ironic when he caught himself caring about the local football team; if home is where the heart is, his must be somewhere pretty far north of here.
He listened to the music again, it was a song he'd developed quite a lot of emotional attachment to over the time he'd been going on walks like this; it just always seem to catch the mood just right. He looked around walking down the hill, in the town proper now, and saw mostly people rushing to and fro, just getting out of work, buying all the luxuries they can afford but still take for granted. Some people sat on the floor, helping each other, trying to stay warm and mostly being ignored by the people who walked by. They didn't see him watching. One thing he could say about this town was; they weren't guilty of expecting too much like people in the big cities. These people never got too much and in turn too much couldn't be taken away from them; they just accepted what they had and got on with it. Even if it did mean that sometimes they forgot what was important.
He often rambled in his own head like this but, at least it was keeping from things that just made him upset. Now he looked up at the big clock tower, as he turned and was now walking parallel with it. Quarter to Five. Above it the sky had become violent. It moved at an incredible pace, with a bloodthirsty aura. It was grey moving against the static blue, just like some of the people in the street. In the distance, the sun's pale colours shone but were fading fast. He figured that was like some of the people who weren't walking in the street. No one else though seemed terribly interested in what the sky was doing; only their own respective paths and accomplices.
He continued to walk down the long street, head tilted upwards at the sky, unaware of the jeers people gave him as they walked past, he still had his ears in, until he found himself indoors. He was now walking through a large spacey building, one of those vile places where people could buy more or less the same thing in different colours all under one roof. More annoying was that the building's owners insisted on having all the heating on. He didn't like this, it was too fucking warm. This isn't what winter is about. He was starting to sweat has he descended down the escalator, letting it carry him, as he watched multiple layers of people rushing from hole in the wall to hole in the wall. People and their attitudes had ruined this building. It occurred to him how unnoticed buildings go and how fragile they are, as they depend on others to survive; much like the surroundings and the people sitting out in the street. He reached the ground and walked straight ahead, a bit more urgency than before. He noticed how in the space of a few minutes he had seen various people in and around this building that used to play vague and meaningless parts in his life; school and college mostly, and with disdain, conceded not for the first time, that not much had changed with these people. Suddenly, he felt overwhelmed; he had to get out. The doors back outside were still on the far side of the building, and he began to panic. The music in his ears increased in a tense pace as he increased his pace and thought about the clouds that had moved at frenetic pace outside a few minutes ago, dodging and ignoring all the people in his way. Some he knew, some he didn't, but he did feel he recognised all of them. He headed to the now reachable door, past all the various shops and people, and took almost a little skip as he got there. He burst through the large heavy glass doors and out into the street. Sanctuary!
He actually felt like crying that, but thought better of it if he was going to dispel his current reputation in the street as "a bit of weirdo". Still, he was outside again and there were people but they no longer mattered to him. Unlike before this street had a road running through it, and because of the time of day, buses and cars ripped through it, trying to get to their destinations frantically. That was fine. What was important was that he was outside.
After a moment of standing there in the middle of the street, just in front of the large glass building he'd been in which slotted between a long building with white walls, and a standard brick red building, with the words "Shopping Mall" printed in large thin letters above the many various doors. His natural reaction, for what reason he didn't know, was to turn left, back into town, and he started to walk until he craned his neck in the other direction and saw the gorgeous sun set that was happening. And with that glance, he instantly turned and walked straight towards the light. The sun had won the fleeting battle of the West, for now.
He walked and walked and walked. Walked back towards peace, and the light. There were trees and a few buildings that stood like dark, shadow-like figurines in front of the sun, but they soon ran out until there was almost nothing. Nothing but hills and trees and fields and in the distance, some animals; cows they looked like from here. He walked up a large rolling hill, although any would have done, they were all essentially the same. He sat himself down at the top and looked at the skyline presented in front of him. The music reached it's hopeful climax, and he felt at peace again, looking at all the trees and houses and hills and cows, the whole time the sun fell, fell, fell.
He turned and looked back at the city. The dark clouds he had seen before but no one else had, were gathered over it. It began it's downpour. First, rain, then wind and even some lightning, but then something else. Surely not? He thought he could see fire. Fire raining down on the town. The town he grew up in all his life, more or less by himself, without much guidance from any parental figures, and of which he eventually learned to be sick of, was on fire.
He watched it burn, and knew there wasn't much he could do about it, wasn't really sure if he wanted to do much about it. He was shocked, and slightly scared, but also weirdly pleased (or delirious), like he'd been proven right about something. "I guess this is where the story starts" he said with a wry smile.
This is essentially how I feel right now. Thus, please excuse any mistakes. Also, I don't hate people this much. Really.
He walks into town without much intention other than to get out of the house. He puts some music on his ipod to set the mood; a winter sunset and he's shutting himself off from the world as he often does every few days, just watching things go by as he walks. The music isn't depressing but it's hardly the most upbeat thing ever either. He doesn't really do depression any more. There have been times in the past when he's been very low, either because of other people or because he can't keep a lid on his, at times explosive mind. He'd think about the worst things he could think about for no real reason; death, people hating him, people hating each other, stuff like that. But since he met her depression was kinda replaced by a more 'hopeful awareness', as he put it.
He walked slowly, emphasising his lack of need to be anywhere in particular, his neck turned to the left as the sun shone on its final crusade of the day, glowing pinks, yellows, blues. As he turned his neck to the right, the sky was a dull blue/grey and darkening by the second, while he walked. Constantly walked.
His mind wondered a bit. The other day he accidentally broke a chair at some girls house. When she said he'll have to pay, he said "life's a bit short for such meaningless material worth don't you think?" he thought he said it, anyway. He walked past the great Roman Catholic cathedral and over the bridge. In this light, looking at all the houses in the distance, he could have mistaken it for a place with some real scale and character, but then he just reminded himself he was at home and thought better of it. His "home town-spirit" had died some time ago, but always found it ironic when he caught himself caring about the local football team; if home is where the heart is, his must be somewhere pretty far north of here.
He listened to the music again, it was a song he'd developed quite a lot of emotional attachment to over the time he'd been going on walks like this; it just always seem to catch the mood just right. He looked around walking down the hill, in the town proper now, and saw mostly people rushing to and fro, just getting out of work, buying all the luxuries they can afford but still take for granted. Some people sat on the floor, helping each other, trying to stay warm and mostly being ignored by the people who walked by. They didn't see him watching. One thing he could say about this town was; they weren't guilty of expecting too much like people in the big cities. These people never got too much and in turn too much couldn't be taken away from them; they just accepted what they had and got on with it. Even if it did mean that sometimes they forgot what was important.
He often rambled in his own head like this but, at least it was keeping from things that just made him upset. Now he looked up at the big clock tower, as he turned and was now walking parallel with it. Quarter to Five. Above it the sky had become violent. It moved at an incredible pace, with a bloodthirsty aura. It was grey moving against the static blue, just like some of the people in the street. In the distance, the sun's pale colours shone but were fading fast. He figured that was like some of the people who weren't walking in the street. No one else though seemed terribly interested in what the sky was doing; only their own respective paths and accomplices.
He continued to walk down the long street, head tilted upwards at the sky, unaware of the jeers people gave him as they walked past, he still had his ears in, until he found himself indoors. He was now walking through a large spacey building, one of those vile places where people could buy more or less the same thing in different colours all under one roof. More annoying was that the building's owners insisted on having all the heating on. He didn't like this, it was too fucking warm. This isn't what winter is about. He was starting to sweat has he descended down the escalator, letting it carry him, as he watched multiple layers of people rushing from hole in the wall to hole in the wall. People and their attitudes had ruined this building. It occurred to him how unnoticed buildings go and how fragile they are, as they depend on others to survive; much like the surroundings and the people sitting out in the street. He reached the ground and walked straight ahead, a bit more urgency than before. He noticed how in the space of a few minutes he had seen various people in and around this building that used to play vague and meaningless parts in his life; school and college mostly, and with disdain, conceded not for the first time, that not much had changed with these people. Suddenly, he felt overwhelmed; he had to get out. The doors back outside were still on the far side of the building, and he began to panic. The music in his ears increased in a tense pace as he increased his pace and thought about the clouds that had moved at frenetic pace outside a few minutes ago, dodging and ignoring all the people in his way. Some he knew, some he didn't, but he did feel he recognised all of them. He headed to the now reachable door, past all the various shops and people, and took almost a little skip as he got there. He burst through the large heavy glass doors and out into the street. Sanctuary!
He actually felt like crying that, but thought better of it if he was going to dispel his current reputation in the street as "a bit of weirdo". Still, he was outside again and there were people but they no longer mattered to him. Unlike before this street had a road running through it, and because of the time of day, buses and cars ripped through it, trying to get to their destinations frantically. That was fine. What was important was that he was outside.
After a moment of standing there in the middle of the street, just in front of the large glass building he'd been in which slotted between a long building with white walls, and a standard brick red building, with the words "Shopping Mall" printed in large thin letters above the many various doors. His natural reaction, for what reason he didn't know, was to turn left, back into town, and he started to walk until he craned his neck in the other direction and saw the gorgeous sun set that was happening. And with that glance, he instantly turned and walked straight towards the light. The sun had won the fleeting battle of the West, for now.
He walked and walked and walked. Walked back towards peace, and the light. There were trees and a few buildings that stood like dark, shadow-like figurines in front of the sun, but they soon ran out until there was almost nothing. Nothing but hills and trees and fields and in the distance, some animals; cows they looked like from here. He walked up a large rolling hill, although any would have done, they were all essentially the same. He sat himself down at the top and looked at the skyline presented in front of him. The music reached it's hopeful climax, and he felt at peace again, looking at all the trees and houses and hills and cows, the whole time the sun fell, fell, fell.
He turned and looked back at the city. The dark clouds he had seen before but no one else had, were gathered over it. It began it's downpour. First, rain, then wind and even some lightning, but then something else. Surely not? He thought he could see fire. Fire raining down on the town. The town he grew up in all his life, more or less by himself, without much guidance from any parental figures, and of which he eventually learned to be sick of, was on fire.
He watched it burn, and knew there wasn't much he could do about it, wasn't really sure if he wanted to do much about it. He was shocked, and slightly scared, but also weirdly pleased (or delirious), like he'd been proven right about something. "I guess this is where the story starts" he said with a wry smile.
Sunday, 13 January 2008
my ideal band (right now)...
would blend the energy and sound of trail of dead and at the drive-in with the passionate heart on sleeve emo of Meneguar and Spy Versus Spy with the grandiose of Arcade Fire and Explosions in the Sky, atmosphere of Joy Division and the National and the song-writing and general cool of The Smiths and Interpol.
Wish I was a songwriter. can anyone help?
Wish I was a songwriter. can anyone help?
Sunday, 6 January 2008
Death; what's in it for me? (Work in Progress)
This is partly inspired by the short stories featured in Vice Magazine this month (some of which are amazing; all are at least interesting) and outlines my greatest fear.
Since a very early age I was bothered about Death. But as I was pretty young and still learning, my mind would switch on and off subjects all the time. As a result, after a couple days of really worrying about it, I more or less forgot about this fear for a good few years. I went through that treasured but classic feeling of Immortality when I hit 17. One night, out of absolutely nowhere (given I had been to the most exciting and treasured gig of my life the week before, I was pretty high at the time) I was lying in bed when suddenly my stream of thoughts switched to Death. I dunno why, I dunno how, but what I do know is; the thought scared me. Scared me practically to death even. That hopeless thought that; "Hang on, one day this is all gonna be gone and i'll never be able to return to it for all of eternity" (just writing it then didn't leave me completely untouched). This for use of better terms, completely fucked me up. I panicked, I screamed, I cried, I ran to my parents for support, but really there's only so much support you can give on this subject. This repeated more or less everyday for a whole month or so, and I felt very low. I couldn't help but return to the point that; "Well, what's really the point? If all this is gonna be taken away from me anyway."
I envy people that see death as nessecary and are not bothered by it. Some of these people also have faith and that's great too. I wish I could believe in an afterlife, I really do, if I could then there would be no blog here and you and I could return to normal. But the fact is, me personally, I can't see it. I can't see a logical reason behind it; and unless I go into complete emotional breakdown and stop being the slightly obsessive, logical nerd I've blossomed into these past couple years I don't really see that changing. That's a shame, but I have accepted it.
What I haven't accepted yet however though, is coping with the idea that I'm going to die and that it will all end forever. I mean, it's less frequent now but it's still pretty often that after a long day I'll lay in bed by myself in the dark and the topic (and at times, the fear and the anxiety) will creep into my view. It's led for a subject and a whole idea that I've battled with a lot ever since; a lot of my lyrics and scribbles now a days are to do with the subject and my fear of it. What I do find odd however is how strictly personal and even biased the whole matter is. I mean, when people bring death up in conversation I generally am not any more bothered by it that anything else.
Indeed, last month a friend of mine died in a road accident just before Christmas, and although it was deeply upsetting and a total waste, it didn't instantly make me regress into some ball of fear and anxiety; it is almost like that has a life of its own which I try my best to keep the lid on but can't always hold. And recently I've noticed certain themes I never did before, like how some people say my favourite film (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) is depressing. I never saw this until the last time I saw it (with my girlfriend a month or so ago) and I kinda realised while watching the two year span of this characters life that, the sadness comes from how it highlights the utter inevitabilities of life. We are all destined to grow up as a lonely child, to fall in love, be torn apart, and eventually die.
I don't want to leave all my treasured possessions, be they material, or people (pretty much just my parents or my girlfriend) or memories or places, or is that just the 19 year old in me speaking?
Since a very early age I was bothered about Death. But as I was pretty young and still learning, my mind would switch on and off subjects all the time. As a result, after a couple days of really worrying about it, I more or less forgot about this fear for a good few years. I went through that treasured but classic feeling of Immortality when I hit 17. One night, out of absolutely nowhere (given I had been to the most exciting and treasured gig of my life the week before, I was pretty high at the time) I was lying in bed when suddenly my stream of thoughts switched to Death. I dunno why, I dunno how, but what I do know is; the thought scared me. Scared me practically to death even. That hopeless thought that; "Hang on, one day this is all gonna be gone and i'll never be able to return to it for all of eternity" (just writing it then didn't leave me completely untouched). This for use of better terms, completely fucked me up. I panicked, I screamed, I cried, I ran to my parents for support, but really there's only so much support you can give on this subject. This repeated more or less everyday for a whole month or so, and I felt very low. I couldn't help but return to the point that; "Well, what's really the point? If all this is gonna be taken away from me anyway."
I envy people that see death as nessecary and are not bothered by it. Some of these people also have faith and that's great too. I wish I could believe in an afterlife, I really do, if I could then there would be no blog here and you and I could return to normal. But the fact is, me personally, I can't see it. I can't see a logical reason behind it; and unless I go into complete emotional breakdown and stop being the slightly obsessive, logical nerd I've blossomed into these past couple years I don't really see that changing. That's a shame, but I have accepted it.
What I haven't accepted yet however though, is coping with the idea that I'm going to die and that it will all end forever. I mean, it's less frequent now but it's still pretty often that after a long day I'll lay in bed by myself in the dark and the topic (and at times, the fear and the anxiety) will creep into my view. It's led for a subject and a whole idea that I've battled with a lot ever since; a lot of my lyrics and scribbles now a days are to do with the subject and my fear of it. What I do find odd however is how strictly personal and even biased the whole matter is. I mean, when people bring death up in conversation I generally am not any more bothered by it that anything else.
Indeed, last month a friend of mine died in a road accident just before Christmas, and although it was deeply upsetting and a total waste, it didn't instantly make me regress into some ball of fear and anxiety; it is almost like that has a life of its own which I try my best to keep the lid on but can't always hold. And recently I've noticed certain themes I never did before, like how some people say my favourite film (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) is depressing. I never saw this until the last time I saw it (with my girlfriend a month or so ago) and I kinda realised while watching the two year span of this characters life that, the sadness comes from how it highlights the utter inevitabilities of life. We are all destined to grow up as a lonely child, to fall in love, be torn apart, and eventually die.
I don't want to leave all my treasured possessions, be they material, or people (pretty much just my parents or my girlfriend) or memories or places, or is that just the 19 year old in me speaking?
2008 (and that)
it seems people actually read this thing. Oh noes.
right well, it's nearly been a week, so HAPPY NEW YEAR and that. I had an amazing time partying in glasgow with my girlfriend and her family (including her cousin who managed to party so hard he got laryngitis.)
the last CD I bought in 2007 was: Source Tags and codes - Trail of Dead.
so far in 2008 i've already picked up:
Fucked Up Compilation tape 1
My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
The Velvet Underground & Nico - The Velvet Underground
Kings of Leon - Because of the Times
Panda Bear - Person Pitch
And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead - Madonna
also, Monthy Phython series 1 and 3 on DVD.
It's wierd having all this money to spend, but I guess thats the cush of living at home and working. The Theatre is fun but Panto is STRESS
gigs coming up;
British Sea Power in glasgow (maybe)
Explosions in the Sky - Glasgow Barras
The Futureheads in Norwich (maybe)
Baroness in Sheffield
Les Savy Fav in Bedford
Dillinger & Between the Buried and Me in Newcastle
FUCKED UP (and gallows) in Newcastle (and maybe Leeds)
Jimmy Eat World in Newcastle (maybe)
Radiohead in Glasgow
My Bloody Valentine in Glasgow
blah blah blah
right well, it's nearly been a week, so HAPPY NEW YEAR and that. I had an amazing time partying in glasgow with my girlfriend and her family (including her cousin who managed to party so hard he got laryngitis.)
the last CD I bought in 2007 was: Source Tags and codes - Trail of Dead.
so far in 2008 i've already picked up:
Fucked Up Compilation tape 1
My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
The Velvet Underground & Nico - The Velvet Underground
Kings of Leon - Because of the Times
Panda Bear - Person Pitch
And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead - Madonna
also, Monthy Phython series 1 and 3 on DVD.
It's wierd having all this money to spend, but I guess thats the cush of living at home and working. The Theatre is fun but Panto is STRESS
gigs coming up;
British Sea Power in glasgow (maybe)
Explosions in the Sky - Glasgow Barras
The Futureheads in Norwich (maybe)
Baroness in Sheffield
Les Savy Fav in Bedford
Dillinger & Between the Buried and Me in Newcastle
FUCKED UP (and gallows) in Newcastle (and maybe Leeds)
Jimmy Eat World in Newcastle (maybe)
Radiohead in Glasgow
My Bloody Valentine in Glasgow
blah blah blah
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