Death; what's in it for me? (Work in Progress)

This is partly inspired by the short stories featured in Vice Magazine this month (some of which are amazing; all are at least interesting) and outlines my greatest fear.

Since a very early age I was bothered about Death. But as I was pretty young and still learning, my mind would switch on and off subjects all the time. As a result, after a couple days of really worrying about it, I more or less forgot about this fear for a good few years. I went through that treasured but classic feeling of Immortality when I hit 17. One night, out of absolutely nowhere (given I had been to the most exciting and treasured gig of my life the week before, I was pretty high at the time) I was lying in bed when suddenly my stream of thoughts switched to Death. I dunno why, I dunno how, but what I do know is; the thought scared me. Scared me practically to death even. That hopeless thought that; "Hang on, one day this is all gonna be gone and i'll never be able to return to it for all of eternity" (just writing it then didn't leave me completely untouched). This for use of better terms, completely fucked me up. I panicked, I screamed, I cried, I ran to my parents for support, but really there's only so much support you can give on this subject. This repeated more or less everyday for a whole month or so, and I felt very low. I couldn't help but return to the point that; "Well, what's really the point? If all this is gonna be taken away from me anyway."

I envy people that see death as nessecary and are not bothered by it. Some of these people also have faith and that's great too. I wish I could believe in an afterlife, I really do, if I could then there would be no blog here and you and I could return to normal. But the fact is, me personally, I can't see it. I can't see a logical reason behind it; and unless I go into complete emotional breakdown and stop being the slightly obsessive, logical nerd I've blossomed into these past couple years I don't really see that changing. That's a shame, but I have accepted it.

What I haven't accepted yet however though, is coping with the idea that I'm going to die and that it will all end forever. I mean, it's less frequent now but it's still pretty often that after a long day I'll lay in bed by myself in the dark and the topic (and at times, the fear and the anxiety) will creep into my view. It's led for a subject and a whole idea that I've battled with a lot ever since; a lot of my lyrics and scribbles now a days are to do with the subject and my fear of it. What I do find odd however is how strictly personal and even biased the whole matter is. I mean, when people bring death up in conversation I generally am not any more bothered by it that anything else.

Indeed, last month a friend of mine died in a road accident just before Christmas, and although it was deeply upsetting and a total waste, it didn't instantly make me regress into some ball of fear and anxiety; it is almost like that has a life of its own which I try my best to keep the lid on but can't always hold. And recently I've noticed certain themes I never did before, like how some people say my favourite film (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) is depressing. I never saw this until the last time I saw it (with my girlfriend a month or so ago) and I kinda realised while watching the two year span of this characters life that, the sadness comes from how it highlights the utter inevitabilities of life. We are all destined to grow up as a lonely child, to fall in love, be torn apart, and eventually die.

I don't want to leave all my treasured possessions, be they material, or people (pretty much just my parents or my girlfriend) or memories or places, or is that just the 19 year old in me speaking?